I remember the first time I visited The Shelter – you know, that grimy underground basement club that you can’t help liking – it was on the first night it actually opened back in 2007, I was walking down the steps, excited like a little child after only being in Shanghai for about 5 months at that time and already some great big new club was opening. I remember as I was walking down the steps, some idiot who’d do far better in bar Rouge, Muse, Mint or any one of those other retarded clubs that are all in essence just the same, was complaining about the air quality in the club to the guy taking money at the door.
Rouge Douche: ”The air is really terrible inside there, I can’t breathe”
Door Douche: ”Sorry about that”
Rouge Douche: ”Yeah, well I want my money back”
Door Douche: ”Sorry, I can’t do that”
Rouge Douche: ”Either give me my money back or I’ll do a write up on the internet about how terrible the air in this place is”
Door Douche: ”Fine, do the write up, I couldn’t care”
‘Dumb fucking idiot’, I thought at that time.
Shanghai has long stopped being about the air quality and more about how big you can live before your body finally collapses from lack of clean oxygen.
Ennihew, that was the start of what would become a long and fruitful relationship with the wonder that was – The Shelter
Oh it was love. I abused this club as much as it abused my system and we both damn well loved it.
Little did I know that this gem of social fortitude will eventually turn around and stab me in the back – or the leg, to be more precise.
Yes, not so long ago, in fact so recent you can still smell the stench of The Shelter’s conscience which is basically made of fecal matter, a bouncer at The Shelter decided that he didn’t very much like the way I prop my feet up on the table in his establishment.
See, I use the word bouncer very loosely there, because this is a bouncer:
This is a gangster:
An this is the bouncers at The Shelter:
Yes, the perfect mixture between gangster and brainless child, leaves you with the kind of establishment security you’ll find at The Shelter.
Long story short, bouncer didn’t like the way I propped my feet on the table, I took them off, but found the situation comical. Bouncer didn’t appreciate the sense of humor my friends and I have, so started attacking me (yes, only me) with swear words. I attacked back, so bouncerbabe decides to go get a bat.
A FUCKING BAT!!!!!
WTF!!?? Seriously, isn’t the idea of a bouncer to stop fights and not start them? That’s definitely the way it works in most clubs I know – but clearly Big Face McPeepants here doesn’t subscribe to that school.
Hint: Brandishing a weapon doesn’t stop a fight, it escalates it.
So people are brawling and falling over one another like crazy. I know that in China, if you’re a foreigner, you pay the fight fine at the end of the day, no matter who started it – so I try to get the situation under control. I get my one friend off one guy (oh, by this time the little fairy behind the cloakroom decided he needed to join in the fight), as I turn around I see scarf packer heading towards my other friend. As I try to grab him and pull him off my friend, some other fucker jumps on my back – like a pathetic little grandmother, on my back.
Leg twist = knee dislocates = me on floor being kicked by fairy cloakfuck!
I pop my leg back in and the fight disperses.
In comes big man Garry (V Nutz Gary that is; not Gaz Garry/Gareth from Uprooted Sunshine – clear on that?) - The Proprietor . Carrying the fucking bat!!!
Sits down like a gangster, hears the true story from 5 witnesses and decides to do absolutely fukoll, because he likes his bouncer – not his customers, no. He’s far more fond of that fat fuck with the bat!
So, needless to say, I can’t ride my bicycle for at least another month, maybe more.
I’m on crutches.
I can’t drink alcohol (according to the doctor, ppfftt, how little they know!).
And sex is really difficult – but not impossible!
So yep, next time you consider visiting this little under-earth establishment, adopt your best behavior, because bouncer batboy will be waiting and Garry Gangster Bossman, couldn’t give a shit!
Next week I’ll be taking a look at exploiters in the bicycle world, so there’s something to look forward to!
Till next time – keep it real!