Disclaimer:  I never thought I’d need to write one of these fucking things, but then so it goes.  And I once learned a very valuable lesson from one of my lecturers in college (I studied advertising), “you can never under estimate the intelligence of your target audience” – no wait, I came up with that one myself.  So… here it goes.

Dear reader, if by now you have not realized that this segment is a humorous opinion piece meant to offer you a bit of a different perspective on pop-culture, you’re about as stupid as these morons:  Don’t steal from Cantina!

Great,  now that we got that out of the way, let’s get back to the topic of disdain for today

Vanilla Bikes and their effing trike!

The child inside me is crying, and not because the Michael Jackson inside me has been running awry, but because the little child in me has seen this beauty:

"Please MJ, let me ride that instead!"

See that there!?

Amazing hey?  So beautiful.  It’s like a blow job on wheels – and that sky blue colour is enough to make any little toddler crap their Huggies with joy!

But here’s the catch, that little pretty 3-wheel seductress will set you back 10 000 Dollars, yep TEN-FUCKING-THOUSAND-FUCKING-AMERICAN-FUCKING-DOLLARS!!!!

Curse you Vanilla!

That’s enough to make me jump straight back in to old MJ’s lap!

This kind of trike would normally conjure up some great childhood memories of nostalgic value, but all I had growing up was one of those plastic push bikes that get filled up with water every time you leave it out in the rain.

I named it 'purple slousher', after my uncle!

That Vanilla trike makes my plastic jap-eye monster look like a child’s nightmare.

HA – jap-eye….child’s nightmare!

But I digress, back to Vanilla.

They make really pretty bicycles, pretty like a bow tie in a ponytail!  But fondle me with a hot poker, 10 000 dollars for a trike?

If it's the details you pay for - fuck the details!

Have you seen The Shining?

“Here’s Johnny!!”?  Anyways, imagine how far that movie would’ve gone over budget had they used this little trike.  I’d totally run those evil twins over!

But then again, I’d also lose my shit and go crazy if my son had such an expensive toy.  Yeah, I’d totally kill his ass!

"Who's paying for that trike you little dipshit!!?"

Of course, if you’re one of our overtly wealthy POLISHED SPHINCTER EXPAT readers here in Shanghai (ppfftt, who’m I kidding, like they can read), and you’re thinking that this isn’t all that expensive for a little trike and you could probably write it off as a company expense as long as you get the fa-piao, you’re in for a surprise.

Vanilla isn’t taking anymore orders for bicycles, because they have a 5 year waiting list!  Five years friends.  By the time you get the trike you’re kid will be either too old or too fat, considering the obesity rate amongst younger kids these days, to enjoy this fabulous investment!

Watch it bend, like a little aluminium can!

So there you have it.  If you’re not Tom Cruise or John Travolta (or any Scientologist for that matter), you’re not getting one of these!

And while we’re on that – FUCK YOU L. Ron Hubbard!

Should you want to know more about Vanilla Bicycles direct your macbook air here.

If you’re one of those people in the Cantina photos, here’s a French introduction to Vanilla for you – DUMB FUCKING IDIOT!

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Alrighty friends, next week we’ll take a look at someone that took bicycle exploitation to a Mariah Carey level.

Till next time – keep it real!